Pictures to last a life time

Like anyone experiencing a trial in your life, many people simply do not understand or “get it” until they have walked in your shoes. 

After my son died in my womb at 35 weeks, we were presented with many decisions.  When an expectant mother, excited for this beautiful life growing inside, her goes into the hospital or birthing center to deliver their precious little loved one she would never dream that her decisions would go from: “Is your car seat ready?  Do you want him circumcised?  Do you need help with breastfeeding? To the horror of: “Do you want to bury him or cremate him?  Do you know how long before you are ready for the funeral home representative to arrive to pick him up?  Are you prepared to go home without your baby?” 

Although the decisions we had to make were not, in a zillion years, the decisions we wanted to make for our sweet little boy, we had to face them, because for us, this was our reality.

We were presented with the opportunity to have a professional photographer come and take our “family” photos.  Very excited for the opportunity and at no expense to us, we gladly accepted.  Our photographer came out twice because of my postponed c-section due to low blood platelets.  She was professional, compassionate, and spent so much of her own time helping our family.  And did I mention, she did this as a gift, no monies collected or paid to her for doing so.  The non-profit organization, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, offers this service for thousands of heart shattered parents all over the states.  Although I have met other mothers with similar stories that declined the service and opted   to take personal pictures or none at all, rest assured, whatever decision they made was personal to them and not wrong.  For our family, we took many pictures of our sweet Max.  Max with his grandmas, Max with his mommy, his daddy,  his big brother, his great aunt, his aunts, and of course Max with his family.  I have countless photos of our family displayed around my home.  My grandma has him in line with all her other great grandchildren in her home. 

To be told that you are “weird” for having pictures of a “dead baby” displayed in your home is………RUDE!!!!!!!!!!!  If you do not understand why I have pictures of my son in MY home, then you are welcomed to educate yourself or exit my life.  My son died in my womb, I would have loved to have pictures of my son alive, but I don’t.  I wish I could have pictures of him at his 1^st birthday party, his kindergarten graduation, the day he lost his first tooth, his prom, his high school graduation, his wedding day, him becoming a daddy, and a lifetime of pictures and memories with him.  BUT I DON’T have that option.  These pictures are all I do have, and God knows…..they mean everything to me. 

My five year old loves looking and kissing Max’s photos, as do I.  He includes him in conversation when we pray, when we talk about our family, and amongst relatively educated adults who consider talking about him in that way as once again………weird.  My five year old also can look on facebook with me and admire and say “how cute” to the other sweet babies that have passed too soon as well.  I love when other mother’s trust and share with me their precious pictures of their little lost loves too, because I know they probably have the same “weird” comments from people they know too. 

Let me say one final thing here, I love my pictures, God loves my pictures, and Jesus too is “dead” in countless pictures (paintings, sculptures, etc) all over the world.  So, when someone shows you a picture of their baby that has passed….simply say, “Beautiful” because it’s the truth.  Try not to see the “dead baby” look quickly and see the little love that they lost.

Thank you God for your understanding.

 “Do NOT conform to this world.”

Lots of love,

Deborah

A few of my little lost love, Max.  :) My love, my boy, my Max.

Is Grieving Contagious?

My grief is not contagious, but your compassion towards it can help in the healing process.

It has been 5 months since my sweet Max died in my womb at 35 weeks pregnant.  I remember reading a few blogs of mothers and fathers who shared similar stories and noticed a common theme.  This blog may sound repetitive to those who also have read the similar posts, but my hope in writing these candid thoughts and real feelings is to enlighten those who may not realize how their actions and words can make or break moments and relationships.  Before sharing my heart, I want to ask you two questions…..

          Are you someone who says “I’m there for you; I’m praying for you, I want to know how you are really doing?

          The above question is actually words that those in grief want and need to hear from family and considerate friends. 

          Second Question: 

          After saying those phrases, are you someone who takes initiative and follows through with them?

Ok, so here starts the candid thoughts.  Days after Max died, in fact, more like the first two weeks; family surrounds you for what I like to call “suicide watch”.  I can’t emphasis how those first two weeks are vital in needing help from others with the simple things….laundry, meals, cleaning, doing dishes, bill paying, phone calls, guest screening, etc….  The only thing going on in my brain…..darkness, pain, putting on a smile, thoughts of suicide, mental torment, insomnia, anxiety, nightmares….reality.  I was so blessed to have as many friends, church members, and family pull together to help during those first two weeks.  My sweet husband….3 days to do the calls, the funeral arrangements, support me, tend to our oldest, and then….go back to work. 

Now, 5 months have passed.  The family communication slows down, no returned texts, & the calls are infrequent when they do reach out for a simple, “how are you” and when you can no longer hold onto a smile and you simply break….they ask “What’s wrong with you?”  “Why do you sound down”  “You need to pull yourself together”  “Alex (my 5 yr old) doesn’t need to see you like this”  “When is the old Deborah and Nick going to come back so ya’ll can put a smile on my face.”  Only months before, these same people wanted to know how we were truly feeling.  “Your pain is our pain.”  “We are all in this together.”  Now, I ask rhetorically… did you really mean the words that came out of your mouth at one point and now have changed your mind because our pain comes at times when it is not convenient for you?  If you know me, I don’t express too much to others because I have always been one to not ask for help.  Now, this hits home.  There is a reason I don’t entrust even family to understand this new normal.  They show signs of not wanting to know.

I have had to go directly to God for understanding and compassion for this one.  Even though my heart really wants this new normal to include the family I once longed for and depended on for support…I am allowing and trusting this one to God.  No matter what I say or don’t say…it is left for others to interpret and ultimately it is up to them on how they want to interpret it.  I must admit, it saddens me to see others in my family not reaching out to us.  So, I started my conversation with God out by saying… “I don’t like this.  Why are they doing this to us?”  Then, I heard…. Perhaps they do not know how to handle the grief they feel about Max dying and do not want to expose it, so they build a wall to block and push it away; out of sight out of mind.  You are simply a reminder of the pain they do not want to address.  Now, hubby thinks differently, and yet I can see validity in both of our approaches to this understanding.  He says that they are not directly affected by this new normal, so they simply just don’t get it.  How can you be upset with other’s who don’t understand?  Well, that kind of made me upset….they told me they wanted to know!  Truth is you simply must lean on and rely on ONE….God.  ONLY HE knows YOUR pain.  Even others with similar stories all have different pain and God knows all about YOUR pain.

Have you ever noticed how simple God is….and with the same simplicity….how wise He is.  Here I was taking this so personally and like they were trying to hurt me, but it isn’t the case.  I have found peace that our family ties may forever be different and that is ok.  I now long and pray to God that He may heal the wounds, their wounds, as He has done for me.  Does this mean my heart no longer hurts, absolutely not! 

I encourage those who may be reading to reach out to the family or friend that is enduring a loss or trial.  And you are probably asking… “But I don’t know what say to them or what I can do?”  First, say that!!!  Start by saying “I have no idea what to say or what to do for you, but I love you and I do want you to know you can trust and count on me for support.”  Then, follow through and remember, their grief comes at random times; nothing needs to happen in order for the pain to just creep up out of nowhere!  If you are unprepared to follow through with physical help at the grieving ones time, then simply say “I am praying for you” and then pray for them!

There is nothing more confusing and hurtful than those who say they want to help and then don’t when it is needed. 

For those reading that happen to be the one that is in grieving…I will give you the best advice you will ever hear.  Go to God for ALL your needs.  Do not rely on humans, but when there are humans that appear to be God sent support and help, thank Him for sending someone that cares as He does.  Although some have exited our lives, God has brought so many more into it.  Beauty for ashes.

Mother’s Day was a few days ago.  My first Mother’s Day without my Max.  The anticipation of the day belonged to the dreading of what others would say opposed to the day in and of itself.  I have never been fond of over marketed holidays, so it wasn’t the day I anticipated.  It truly was the “foot inserters” I feared.  After a lovely peaceful day at home, avoiding public, my husband brought home a single white rose and said “Guess who this is from?”  Single white rose….that is my Max.  I have God to thank for the wonderful moment to moment supporter….my hubby, Nick.  He is absolutely God sent for me and I thank God for the two beautiful boys we created….I’m a pretty blessed woman.  Thank you God for your wisdom, your compassion, your love, the blessings you bring, and the grace and mercy I have accepted from You and now am able to share with others.

I pray that God touches your heart and opens your eyes through the awareness of someone else’s trial, because when it is your season for trials, you will want and need other’s to help you. 

In Christ’s Love,

 

Deborah Samples

“Keep hope in your heart and two thumbs in the air!”

Hope’s Not a Crime Ministry

www.hopesnotacrime.org

Anxiety

Definition by the current Webster's Dictionary
anx·i·e·ty

   /æŋˈzaɪɪti/ Show Spelled[ang-zahy-i-tee] Show IPA

noun, plural -ties.

1.  distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune:

 

Definition by the original Webster's dictionary of 1828:

anx·i·e·ty

ANXI'ETY, n. angzi'ety. [L. anxietas, from anxius, solicitous]

1. concern or solicitude respecting some event, future or uncertain, which disturbs the mind, and keeps it in a state of painful uneasinerr. it expresses more than uneasiness or disturbance, and even more than trouble or solicitude. it usually springs from fear or serious apprehension of evil, and involves a suspense respecting an event, and often, a perplexity of mind, to know how to shape our conduct.

After you have "accepted" your loss, that does NOT mean "gotten over your loss", rather, you have merely agreed that it would be better to go through the rest of your "new normal" life happily and not in a dark hole were crying and misery lie, but now that means...you face the world.  ANXIETY.

I'm often humbled by John 16:33, "I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble. But be brave! I have defeated the world!"

What is Deborah talking about???  Let me tell you!  The fear of hearing someone saying the most hurtful words that would cause you to just break down right in the middle of the store.  Not knowing when a "trigger" will appear, and how will I handle it when it happens?  The aquaintance you haven't seen in a while that asks; "How have you been?" really, do you really want to know is what my brain says, but I offer polite words of "I'm doing O.K."  Then you hear "Well, you know you can always replace it".  Excuse me, WHAT!!?  Anxiety.

The playground where babies giggle as they swing, where mothers look at you strange as you stare at the "what could have beens" for your own baby.  LET ME JUST REINTERATE, my baby, like all my angel mommy friends, have children awaiting for them in Heaven.  I do not wish to trade anyone's life and I can rest assure that my child is playing in heaven's garden and learning from Jesus Himself.  But the "what if's" are rather prevelant when you loose your child.  It's just society and the sin-ful nature of humans from what we have created and tolerated that build up anxiety. A world of ignorance, invincibility, and compassionless blame.  NOT all people I know have these terrible traits, however, many do.  Would you believe that I got told..."If he had died sooner, we wouldn't be making this such a big deal".  And of all people, a family member.  Truly, unless you are just a compassionate and God loving person, which I have met soooo many and I thank you, you just wont understand how hard it is to live this "new normal".  Anxiety.

Like a diet to lose weight, many of us start it and then 2 weeks in....hunger is really kicking in, so we revert to our old ways.  How can any of us "angel mommies" return to how we once were?  It's impossible and I know I wouldn't want to.  Insomnia is so prevelant....thats when the distractions of the daylight are gone and you are left with your mind.  A battlefield of doubts and confusion or a perfect opportunity to talk with the only ONE who knows you inside and out.  As I pray for rest, for the anxiety to go away...now I develop asthma.  Not from allergies, not from dust or pollen....did you know... you can develop asthma from restlessness, stress, and anxiety?  I sure didn't, but when the Doctor asked if I had been under any stress lately... I just broke.  YOU THINK???????  I wrote it down "I have been severely anxious and restless due to my son dying".  Yes, right there on the paper work you were supposed to be reading, where it said list your current medications....Ambien for insomnia and Colonopen  for anxiety due to the results of greiving my son's death.  Anxiety.

Then, you have those who try and explain God's plan...."It wasn't meant to be", "The mother wasn't taking care of herself"..."God changed His mind".  Seriously, I don't think God would explain His plan to someone like you and for you to come and tell me.  If any of those comments made sense, why do I see mother's smoking in the car, windows rolled up, with their infants inside?  Why does my OBGYN say I did NOTHING wrong....when she sees countless of times crack head mothers come into the hospital and deliver a relatively perfect healthy baby and then simple walk away!!?  I'm a great mother!  I did everything right!!!  It hurts so badly the ignorance in society.  If you are wondering why I am even mentioning these things... if you are one of those to say "just get over it, be the better person".  Have YOU ever had to face ugliness after ugliness, uneducated blame after blame, and heartless painful words from people you HAVE to encounter on a daily basis?  I wonder how you would handle your life then.  I know what I have to do...PRAY.  Pray to the One who knows exactly what I am going through.  The One who understands ridicule, ignorance, pain, and suffering.  Anxiety.

Jesus Christ walks next to me everyday and carrys me in the weak moments.  He didn't promise this life would be easy.  He didn't promise that everyone would be gracious when I chose to witness for Him, to share only the truth for what He has done for me.  No, He didn't promise me that.  But what He did promise me is this:
     "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Rev. 21:4

I have come to realize that life truly is simple.  It's short, and it's simple.  It's how we approach it that makes things difficult.  When I went in to the doctor for shortness of breath, coughing uncontrollably to the point of vomitting for three weeks straight, I realized something, it's how I am approaching things that make it harder.  God wants me to continue witnessing for Him, because when I do, He blesses me with peace, and for me...that's all I want.  I am learning to become more disciplined in mind, body, and soul to be at peak performance so I can do all things He has called me to do.  The devil is a smart creature and will patiently wait for the fall and "give up"attitude of someone like me, well heck...ME!  I am choosing to perservere.  I will carry out all God wants and needs from me, its the least I can do for Him.  Less Anxiety.
   
I personally pray for rest and disciplined spiritual renewing of mind and body alike, so that I may keep up with all that I trust He can do through me as He gives me strength.  I also pray for society to take down spiritual blinders, see and hear everything as God does.  Love one another, be compassionate for others, seek His truth for your own lives.  I promise, your life will get a whole lot better when you learn to trust.  And can you imagine, living in a world where others cared as much as Christ does for each one of us?  I know I will die trying to make that possible by sharing my story, my Max.  I did not "make him up" I do not "over dramatize" my experience...no... I carried a life, a life God gave as a blessing and for reasons unknown to me...he died.  The memories are shorter than others who lived longer, and yet, the pain is real if not even harder, because now...I have to continue my own life, a life without my son.  So, I will choose a life with faith that there is something greater.  I will choose happiness til the end, not depression and misery.  The tears will still pour.  The pain of missing someone you love, never goes away....not until you see them again.   Oh what a blessed day it will be!  Even less Anxiety.
        "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad."  2 Corinthians 5:10

Thank you to my husband, Nick....a Godly man, a fantastic father...one who is wise, honest, and kind.  Thank you to my eldest son, Alex....my helper boy, my tear wiper, my genuinely honest to God blessing during this storm.  Thank you Max, for being my greatest peace maker, my angel boy, my lost love, my reason for sharing Jesus' love and compassion.  I will be with you again little one.  Thank you God, for my close family who have been supportive in many different ways.  Thank you Jesus, for being my friend, my Savior, my light, my reason to get up each day and seek to make this world a better place in Your Glory.  I am proud to be an angel mom and I will NOT stop sharing my Max, my story, my life, because of these things...I share Jesus Christ.  You can try and stop me devil by preying on those who are weak with ignorance, no compassion, and vaniety as a way to stop me in my path.  I choose God, and through God, I can do all things!  Even less and less Anxiety.

    "For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13

For my readers out there....keep life simple.  Think before you speak, approach situations cautiously, love others, and remember....life is short here on earth.  I hope you choose to have a life with Christ, so that you may have a life with no death. 

    "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16  No Anxiety.

Food for thought:  When someone experiences a loss of a loved one...KEEP IT SIMPLE.  "I'm sorry for your loss".  Let God handle the big stuff, you do what you can...with thanksgiving, pray.

I am excited to share:  With creating Max's legacy, we have raised and donated $1,027 for ministries and charities.  AND we are just getting started!!! 

Visit:  hopesnotacrime.org (currently under construction, so be sure to find our group on facebook for now!)

also, visit marchforbabies.org/maximusfrederick to donate towards our family team in memory of our sweet Max!  We love you so very much angel boy!!!!

With Love,

~Deborah

Our condensed story!!

May 24^th, 2011….we find out we are expecting our second baby!!!  Beyond excited, for all of our family!!  Preparation, love, bonding…was immediate.  I experienced ALL preggo symptoms!

 

Early June, routine blood work came back with a possibility of having a rare blood disorder known as the kell antibody.  Very rare blood type that is mainly seen in people whom have had blood transfusions.  I did not, so testing on my hubby began.  By July, routine obgyn visits were now filled with weekly trips to the maternal/fetal blood specialist for high quality doplar sono scans.  Hubby showed to carry one copy of the kell antigen on his red blood cells, so that meant baby had a 50/50 chance that he would get the kell antigen too.  Treatments would consist of highly skilled doctors that specialize in in-utero blood transfusions, as my body’s blood, now affected with the kell antibody from the delivery of our first son who is kell positive, would ultimately destroy baby’s red blood cells causing severe anemia and death.  Prayer time was in full swing.  An amniocentesis and doplar scans proved baby was growing wonderfully and he was kell negative!  Which meant he would not have to undergo in-utero blood transfusions!

Planning for baby, envisioning our future as a family, naming him…Maximus Frederick.  Got a lot of slack from family for the name Maximus, but I loved it!  I knew this was Maximus, I felt him, I bonded with him…he is my Max.

Early October brought more blood problems, now; my blood platelet count was very low.  Normal ranges 150-400…mine 74.  Needed to plan for a VBAC for delivery.  Changed doctors, began lab testing and monitoring weekly with the hematologist.  Once more, prayers.   I began researching, educating myself, fully taking on EVERY ounce of help that would bring a successful VBAC, as I would not be able to use any form of medical intervention with blood platelets this low. 

My Max is a peaceful baby.  He would roll around, kick me in my ribs, and have his booty pushed into my lungs!  He would move and move… then I would say…”Look he is moving”… and then he would stop!  I always teased that he would get stage fright, that he didn’t like being on the spot!  Much like his father!!  Max recognized his daddy’s voice, every time he would talk, Max would move!!!  The night time was filled with uncomfortable positions, insomnia, and yes….mommy and Max time!  The night time was when my baby boy liked to rock and roll!!!  He liked music, me singing, reading books, walking, stretching, chiropractic care, home cooked food, nachos and cookies!!

Tuesday, November 29^th… sono showed my baby boys face!!  First time!!!  Other sonos he just showed the back of his head and his profile.  But this time I got to see my sweet boy!!  I remember saying, oh my gosh, he looks just like Alex did in his sonograms!!  Doctor measured him to be 5lbs and 5oz!!  Needless to say, she was impressed and we began discussing natural induction methods to aide in my ability to deliver him VBAC.  So, natural induction methods to be introduced and approved, Tuesday, December 13^th.

Sunday, Dec. 4^th….at my parents folding laundry.  Asked for a coke to drink to onset some movement.  Was uneasy that I had not felt him move….drank the coke…. Jiggled the belly, and he moved!!!!  I researched 35 weeks pregnant and found it was not uncommon for movement to slow down as baby is growing and mostly sleeping due to lack of room.

Monday, December 5^th.  I was “different”.  I was not worried, not uneasy, not scared, not anxious….just “different”.  I literally sat in one spot on the couch for most of the day.  I attributed it to a busy work weekend and being 35 weeks pregnant!  I can remember reaching for a glass out of the cabinet, and it fell to the ground in slow motion.  My husband asked “are you alright?” with a grin…I said, “I just feel different”. 

This is where it gets hard to talk about….

Monday late night, possibly by now, early Tuesday morning…I awoke from sleep very quickly.  I got out of bed, walked down the hall and into the kitchen to once more…drink a coke…I drank ½ the can, and then got the ice cold water jug.  I drank it quickly, walked back to my bed and laid down.  I began jiggling my belly once more.  Pushing, praying…”Jesus make him move, please, just tell him to move”.  A calm voice “He’s not going to move, but it’s ok”.  The next thing I know… I was waking up.  Getting my oldest ready for school, I put a call into my doc to come in for the better be safe than sorry visit… as I just wanted confirmation he was just sleeping.  And deep down, I never thought anything was wrong. 

Hubby and I both at the doctor, searching for a heartbeat.  She couldn’t find one, so we moved quickly to the sono room.  My hubby had a look of acknowledgement of something I was not privy to yet.  I saw my beautiful Max, laying there, once more the back of his head.  As the words touched my lips…the doctor confirmed it…”Oh honey, this baby doesn’t have a heartbeat”. 

Shock, utter confusion, surreal, out of body, hit by a 2x4, horror, nightmare, not real, this couldn’t be happening.  I screamed, I wanted them to take the words back; I blamed myself…what ifs…  The doctor graciously comforted us with words of this was not your fault.  You didn’t do this.

At hospital only two and half hours later, registering for a c-section for “fetal demise”.  I hated those words.  I never thought a baby could die, not mine, and he did.  My heart was shattered.  I knew he was safe in Heaven but my mind just couldn’t comprehend what was happening.  I now faced another c-section, by my choosing.  Blood platelet count…not good…27.  I was scared, the doctors all came in to say this wasn’t good… I would have to go home and remain pregnant until I started labor on my own, up to two weeks!  I knew I couldn’t do it, I was ready for him to get out, as harsh as that sounds… I wanted to see his body, hold him, and be face to face with my love that I lost.  Prayers….we stayed overnight and retested my blood early the next morning.  In less than 18 hours, my platelet count went from 27 to 87… an acceptable range for them to administer a spinal.  Wednesday, December 7^th, 2011, C-section….my baby delivered, no cries would I hear, no baby to put on my breasts.  We enjoyed the day with family, we held Max, we cried, we prayed, and prayed and prayed.  We said hello, then we said goodbye. 

The next two nights in the hospital came a real darkness.  I can look back now and I can truly say… the devil does prey on the weak.  My mind was my enemy, and so brought insomnia and anxiety.  I would shake uncontrollably and sleep maybe 20 minutes here and there over several days.  Prayers…and prayers.  I was scared, I felt alone and afraid.

Upon entering my recently decorated Christmas home…. I prayed.  I didn’t want my home to be a place I feared…his nursery up, ready for him to come home, his stocking hanging on the wall, his car seat ready in the living room.  I prayed.  I walked straight to his nursery and I nearly fell to my knees.  My husband supporting me, I cried.  I felt him there…not just Max, but Jesus, my grandfather, my granny, my gramps, my sister, my husband’s grandparents whom I never have met, they were all there welcoming me home.  It was a presence that was so powerful and I thanked Him for it.  I was honored that He cared and He came. 

Intense grieving, with a body still healing from the c-section, my mind was just “still”. I fully can relate to Romans 8:26.  The spirit himself did intercede for me, and prayed to God with my groaning.  With no words, only soul wrenching anguish that would cry out with bellowing and moaning awake and in slumber.   I had one day when I went in solitary to my bedroom closet to scream into a towel.  “I don’t understand this God!  I hate this God!  I don’t like this plan God!”  “I want these doubts, these fears, and this evil in my mind to go away!!”  “I don’t want them Lord, I give them to you, please help me!”  “I trust you Lord, please just give me the assurance that my son is with you, that he is saved”.  At that time, the devil put thoughts in my mind that he knew would challenge my faith….he didn’t think I could take it, but I did, because Jesus carried my burdens for me when I asked Him to.  Real thoughts that were planted by the devil “your baby didn’t breath here on earth so he wasn’t born and wasn’t saved”  “your baby wasn’t beautiful because of his skin blemishes” (“sloughing” due to being in the womb without blood and oxygen flowing)

Only hours after my prayer, my screams for help, He gave me mercy.  Like in the book “Heaven is for Real”, I received a power shot from God.  Instantly, I felt peace, understanding.  The voice on December 6^th…”He’s not going to move, but it’s ok”…That was Jesus at my bedside.  He already had my sweet boy in His arms and he gave me mercy with His compassion.  To receive this directly from God….an unmistakable power of peace beyond all comprehension. 

I have devoted my daily affairs to His will… I pray that He will lead me where I need to be and what I need to do and say when I am there.  Every day, He leads me.  I do ask in prayer that my Max be a part of this direction He will have me on and He has given me my request!! 

Day of Max’s memorial, I needed prayer… I was anxious about my demeanor, my words, and the experience entirely.  No one wants to bury their child.  As we drove around the chapel at the funeral home, my husband said “where do we go in?”… I said “I don’t know”…instantly, before my words were finished, the exact door we needed to go in, opened.  No one there, but it opened for us.  The Holy Spirit did fill my words and actions that day, and we had a beautiful service. 

Through my experience, I keep hearing how “strong” I am.  Early on, I dared not take credit, as it was SOLEY God carrying me through each second of the day(s).  Now, I do believe I am strong, thanks be to God.  Jesus has my attention FULLY!  Where my faith once existed, now…I come before Him with faith and TRUST!  I know my son has a beautiful purpose beyond my earthly understanding, and his death will remain inside God’s beautiful mystery box. 

In February, I went to a support group for other mother’s enduring neonatal death.   Knowing God wanted me there, I was full of hopeful expectations.  I went in thinking one way, and I left feeling more down and as if my positivity was not accepted.  My ears heard harsh things and my mind and soul was once more confused.  I prayed that night, “Why did you have me go, I knew for sure you wanted me there”.  The next few days were hard…I couldn’t understand my purpose in going.  Only a few days later, I met again with a more intimate group of “angel mommies” and there, I learned that they thought I was inspirational.  They couldn’t believe I was where I was with my acceptance and peace and they encouraged me to come back, because they want the positivity there.  I continued to pray, as I felt honored to hear those things, but unsure that I was really ready to be the one providing support for others.  Being inspired by my journey is one thing, but supporting others is a different level, and I was unsure that I was healed and ready for that.  I began thinking that in order to be “saved” I must suffer the rest of my life…proving my worth for entrance into His Kingdom, to be able to live with Him and my son again.  So, I once more prayed, always asking if Max could play a part in my direction.  I awoke the next morning with His words again…”You have been washed with the blood of Christ”.  Peace and reassurance for a weak soul.

Then, I saw a friend's facebook status about her friend, Shellie, coming to give a testimony on hope the next day at church.  I attended, with my husband and eldest son, Alex.  I remember Shellie mentioning she was here for someone in particular, that God showed her a woman on the floor crying.  My eyes filled with tears, but before any actually swelled up…an utter peace swept over my body.  I knew she was meaning me, but I humbled myself thinking, I’m not that important, there is someone else here whom she is talking about.  I decided to hang around after her testimony.  I wanted to meet her, see if there was a “spark”.  Needless to say, there was… and I know fully…God showed me weeping on the floor to her.  Although I have peace and His full attention on where He wants me…it is still day by day.  My pain in the absence of my son here on earth is unbearable at times.  On my knees regularly…He helps me. 

Now, to share my sweet Max for Christ…its exactly what I requested!  God is good.  He is full of compassion, mercy, and grace.  I am forever grateful.  I look forward to worshiping Him and His glory everyday for the rest of my life.  I pray for Max to remain a part in my witnessing, I pray that I will teach Alex to be a Christ centered and loving man.  I pray for my husband and myself to grow stronger and stronger in Christ.  And we are. 

Thank you Shellie for listening when God spoke to you too.

~Deborah Samples

Wife and mother to Alex and angel baby Max