anx·i·e·ty
[ang-zahy-i-tee] Show IPA
noun, plural -ties.
1. distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune:
Definition by the original Webster's dictionary of 1828:
anx·i·e·ty
ANXI'ETY, n. angzi'ety. [L. anxietas, from anxius, solicitous]
1. concern or solicitude respecting some event, future or uncertain, which
disturbs the mind, and keeps it in a state of painful uneasinerr. it expresses
more than uneasiness or disturbance, and even more than trouble or solicitude.
it usually springs from fear or serious apprehension of evil, and involves a
suspense respecting an event, and often, a perplexity of mind, to know how to
shape our conduct.
After you have "accepted" your loss, that does NOT mean "gotten over your loss", rather, you have merely agreed that it would be better to go through the rest of your "new normal" life happily and not in a dark hole were crying and misery lie, but now that means...you face the world. ANXIETY.
I'm often humbled by John 16:33, "I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble. But be brave! I have defeated the world!"
What is Deborah talking about??? Let me tell you! The fear of hearing someone saying the most hurtful words that would cause you to just break down right in the middle of the store. Not knowing when a "trigger" will appear, and how will I handle it when it happens? The aquaintance you haven't seen in a while that asks; "How have you been?" really, do you really want to know is what my brain says, but I offer polite words of "I'm doing O.K." Then you hear "Well, you know you can always replace it". Excuse me, WHAT!!? Anxiety.
The playground where babies giggle as they swing, where mothers look at you strange as you stare at the "what could have beens" for your own baby. LET ME JUST REINTERATE, my baby, like all my angel mommy friends, have children awaiting for them in Heaven. I do not wish to trade anyone's life and I can rest assure that my child is playing in heaven's garden and learning from Jesus Himself. But the "what if's" are rather prevelant when you loose your child. It's just society and the sin-ful nature of humans from what we have created and tolerated that build up anxiety. A world of ignorance, invincibility, and compassionless blame. NOT all people I know have these terrible traits, however, many do. Would you believe that I got told..."If he had died sooner, we wouldn't be making this such a big deal". And of all people, a family member. Truly, unless you are just a compassionate and God loving person, which I have met soooo many and I thank you, you just wont understand how hard it is to live this "new normal". Anxiety.
Like a diet to lose weight, many of us start it and then 2 weeks in....hunger is really kicking in, so we revert to our old ways. How can any of us "angel mommies" return to how we once were? It's impossible and I know I wouldn't want to. Insomnia is so prevelant....thats when the distractions of the daylight are gone and you are left with your mind. A battlefield of doubts and confusion or a perfect opportunity to talk with the only ONE who knows you inside and out. As I pray for rest, for the anxiety to go away...now I develop asthma. Not from allergies, not from dust or pollen....did you know... you can develop asthma from restlessness, stress, and anxiety? I sure didn't, but when the Doctor asked if I had been under any stress lately... I just broke. YOU THINK??????? I wrote it down "I have been severely anxious and restless due to my son dying". Yes, right there on the paper work you were supposed to be reading, where it said list your current medications....Ambien for insomnia and Colonopen for anxiety due to the results of greiving my son's death. Anxiety.
Then, you have those who try and explain God's plan...."It wasn't meant to be", "The mother wasn't taking care of herself"..."God changed His mind". Seriously, I don't think God would explain His plan to someone like you and for you to come and tell me. If any of those comments made sense, why do I see mother's smoking in the car, windows rolled up, with their infants inside? Why does my OBGYN say I did NOTHING wrong....when she sees countless of times crack head mothers come into the hospital and deliver a relatively perfect healthy baby and then simple walk away!!? I'm a great mother! I did everything right!!! It hurts so badly the ignorance in society. If you are wondering why I am even mentioning these things... if you are one of those to say "just get over it, be the better person". Have YOU ever had to face ugliness after ugliness, uneducated blame after blame, and heartless painful words from people you HAVE to encounter on a daily basis? I wonder how you would handle your life then. I know what I have to do...PRAY. Pray to the One who knows exactly what I am going through. The One who understands ridicule, ignorance, pain, and suffering. Anxiety.
Jesus Christ walks next to me everyday and carrys me in the weak moments. He didn't promise this life would be easy. He didn't promise that everyone would be gracious when I chose to witness for Him, to share only the truth for what He has done for me. No, He didn't promise me that. But what He did promise me is this:
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Rev. 21:4
I have come to realize that life truly is simple. It's short, and it's simple. It's how we approach it that makes things difficult. When I went in to the doctor for shortness of breath, coughing uncontrollably to the point of vomitting for three weeks straight, I realized something, it's how I am approaching things that make it harder. God wants me to continue witnessing for Him, because when I do, He blesses me with peace, and for me...that's all I want. I am learning to become more disciplined in mind, body, and soul to be at peak performance so I can do all things He has called me to do. The devil is a smart creature and will patiently wait for the fall and "give up"attitude of someone like me, well heck...ME! I am choosing to perservere. I will carry out all God wants and needs from me, its the least I can do for Him. Less Anxiety.
I personally pray for rest and disciplined spiritual renewing of mind and body alike, so that I may keep up with all that I trust He can do through me as He gives me strength. I also pray for society to take down spiritual blinders, see and hear everything as God does. Love one another, be compassionate for others, seek His truth for your own lives. I promise, your life will get a whole lot better when you learn to trust. And can you imagine, living in a world where others cared as much as Christ does for each one of us? I know I will die trying to make that possible by sharing my story, my Max. I did not "make him up" I do not "over dramatize" my experience...no... I carried a life, a life God gave as a blessing and for reasons unknown to me...he died. The memories are shorter than others who lived longer, and yet, the pain is real if not even harder, because now...I have to continue my own life, a life without my son. So, I will choose a life with faith that there is something greater. I will choose happiness til the end, not depression and misery. The tears will still pour. The pain of missing someone you love, never goes away....not until you see them again. Oh what a blessed day it will be! Even less Anxiety.
"For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad." 2 Corinthians 5:10
Thank you to my husband, Nick....a Godly man, a fantastic father...one who is wise, honest, and kind. Thank you to my eldest son, Alex....my helper boy, my tear wiper, my genuinely honest to God blessing during this storm. Thank you Max, for being my greatest peace maker, my angel boy, my lost love, my reason for sharing Jesus' love and compassion. I will be with you again little one. Thank you God, for my close family who have been supportive in many different ways. Thank you Jesus, for being my friend, my Savior, my light, my reason to get up each day and seek to make this world a better place in Your Glory. I am proud to be an angel mom and I will NOT stop sharing my Max, my story, my life, because of these things...I share Jesus Christ. You can try and stop me devil by preying on those who are weak with ignorance, no compassion, and vaniety as a way to stop me in my path. I choose God, and through God, I can do all things! Even less and less Anxiety.
"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
For my readers out there....keep life simple. Think before you speak, approach situations cautiously, love others, and remember....life is short here on earth. I hope you choose to have a life with Christ, so that you may have a life with no death.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 No Anxiety.
Food for thought: When someone experiences a loss of a loved one...KEEP IT SIMPLE. "I'm sorry for your loss". Let God handle the big stuff, you do what you can...with thanksgiving, pray.
I am excited to share: With creating Max's legacy, we have raised and donated $1,027 for ministries and charities. AND we are just getting started!!!
Visit: hopesnotacrime.org (currently under construction, so be sure to find our group on facebook for now!)
also, visit marchforbabies.org/maximusfrederick to donate towards our family team in memory of our sweet Max! We love you so very much angel boy!!!!
With Love,
~Deborah
