Like anyone experiencing a trial in your life, many people
simply do not understand or “get it” until they have walked in your shoes.
After my son died in my womb at 35 weeks, we were presented
with many decisions. When an expectant
mother, excited for this beautiful life growing inside, her goes into the
hospital or birthing center to deliver their precious little loved one she
would never dream that her decisions would go from: “Is your car seat
ready? Do you want him circumcised? Do you need help with breastfeeding? To the
horror of: “Do you want to bury him or cremate him? Do you know how long before you are ready for
the funeral home representative to arrive to pick him up? Are you prepared to go home without your
baby?”
Although the decisions we had to make were not, in a
zillion years, the decisions we wanted to make for our sweet little boy, we had
to face them, because for us, this was our reality.
We were presented with the opportunity to have a
professional photographer come and take our “family” photos. Very excited for the opportunity and at no
expense to us, we gladly accepted. Our
photographer came out twice because of my postponed c-section due to low blood
platelets. She was professional,
compassionate, and spent so much of her own time helping our family. And did I mention, she did this as a gift, no
monies collected or paid to her for doing so.
The non-profit organization, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, offers this
service for thousands of heart shattered parents all over the states. Although I have met other mothers with
similar stories that declined the service and opted to take personal pictures or none at all, rest
assured, whatever decision they made was personal to them and not wrong. For our family, we took many pictures of our
sweet Max. Max with his grandmas, Max
with his mommy, his daddy, his big
brother, his great aunt, his aunts, and of course Max with his family. I have countless photos of our family
displayed around my home. My grandma has
him in line with all her other great grandchildren in her home.
To be told that you are “weird” for having pictures of a “dead
baby” displayed in your home is………RUDE!!!!!!!!!!! If you do not understand why I have pictures
of my son in MY home, then you are
welcomed to educate yourself or exit my life.
My son died in my womb, I would have loved to have pictures of my son
alive, but I don’t. I wish I could have
pictures of him at his 1st birthday party, his kindergarten
graduation, the day he lost his first tooth, his prom, his high school
graduation, his wedding day, him becoming a daddy, and a lifetime of pictures
and memories with him. BUT I DON’T have
that option. These pictures are all I do
have, and God knows…..they mean everything to me.
My five year old loves looking and kissing Max’s photos, as
do I. He includes him in conversation
when we pray, when we talk about our family, and amongst relatively educated
adults who consider talking about him in that way as once again………weird. My five year old also can look on facebook
with me and admire and say “how cute” to the other sweet babies that have
passed too soon as well. I love when
other mother’s trust and share with me their precious pictures of their little
lost loves too, because I know they probably have the same “weird” comments from
people they know too.
Let me say one final thing here, I love my pictures, God
loves my pictures, and Jesus too is “dead” in countless pictures (paintings,
sculptures, etc) all over the world. So,
when someone shows you a picture of their baby that has passed….simply say, “Beautiful”
because it’s the truth. Try not to see
the “dead baby” look quickly and see the little love that they lost.
Thank you God for your understanding.
“Do NOT conform to
this world.”
Lots of love,
Deborah
A few of my little lost love, Max. :) My love, my boy, my Max.
