My grief is not contagious, but your compassion towards it
can help in the healing process.
It has been 5 months since my sweet Max died in my womb at
35 weeks pregnant. I remember reading a
few blogs of mothers and fathers who shared similar stories and noticed a
common theme. This blog may sound repetitive
to those who also have read the similar posts, but my hope in writing these
candid thoughts and real feelings is to enlighten those who may not realize how
their actions and words can make or break moments and relationships. Before sharing my heart, I want to ask you
two questions…..
Are you
someone who says “I’m there for you; I’m praying for you, I want to know how
you are really doing?
The above
question is actually words that those in grief want and need to hear from
family and considerate friends.
Second
Question:
After saying
those phrases, are you someone who takes initiative and follows through with
them?
Ok, so here starts the candid thoughts. Days after Max died, in fact, more like the
first two weeks; family surrounds you for what I like to call “suicide
watch”. I can’t emphasis how those first
two weeks are vital in needing help from others with the simple
things….laundry, meals, cleaning, doing dishes, bill paying, phone calls, guest
screening, etc…. The only thing going on
in my brain…..darkness, pain, putting on a smile, thoughts of suicide, mental
torment, insomnia, anxiety, nightmares….reality. I was so blessed to have as many friends,
church members, and family pull together to help during those first two weeks. My sweet husband….3 days to do the calls, the
funeral arrangements, support me, tend to our oldest, and then….go back to
work.
Now, 5 months have passed.
The family communication slows down, no returned texts, & the calls
are infrequent when they do reach out for a simple, “how are you” and when you
can no longer hold onto a smile and you simply break….they ask “What’s wrong
with you?” “Why do you sound down” “You need to pull yourself together” “Alex (my 5 yr old) doesn’t need to see you
like this” “When is the old Deborah and
Nick going to come back so ya’ll can put a smile on my face.” Only months before, these same people wanted
to know how we were truly feeling. “Your
pain is our pain.” “We are all in this
together.” Now, I ask rhetorically… did
you really mean the words that came out of your mouth at one point and now have
changed your mind because our pain comes at times when it is not convenient for
you? If you know me, I don’t express too
much to others because I have always been one to not ask for help. Now, this hits home. There is a reason I don’t entrust even family
to understand this new normal. They show
signs of not wanting to know.
I have had to go directly to God for understanding and
compassion for this one. Even though my
heart really wants this new normal to include the family I once longed for and
depended on for support…I am allowing and trusting this one to God. No matter what I say or don’t say…it is left
for others to interpret and ultimately it is up to them on how they want to
interpret it. I must admit, it saddens
me to see others in my family not reaching out to us. So, I started my conversation with God out by
saying… “I don’t like this. Why are they
doing this to us?” Then, I heard….
Perhaps they do not know how to handle the grief they feel about Max dying and
do not want to expose it, so they build a wall to block and push it away; out
of sight out of mind. You are simply a
reminder of the pain they do not want to address. Now, hubby thinks differently, and yet I can
see validity in both of our approaches to this understanding. He says that they are not directly affected
by this new normal, so they simply just don’t get it. How can you be upset with other’s who don’t understand? Well, that kind of made me upset….they told
me they wanted to know! Truth is you
simply must lean on and rely on ONE….God.
ONLY HE knows YOUR pain. Even
others with similar stories all have different pain and God knows all about
YOUR pain.
Have you ever noticed how simple God is….and with the same
simplicity….how wise He is. Here I was
taking this so personally and like they were trying to hurt me, but it isn’t
the case. I have found peace that our
family ties may forever be different and that is ok. I now long and pray to God that He may heal
the wounds, their wounds, as He has done for me. Does this mean my heart no longer hurts,
absolutely not!
I encourage those who may be reading to reach out to the
family or friend that is enduring a loss or trial. And you are probably asking… “But I don’t
know what say to them or what I can do?”
First, say that!!! Start by
saying “I have no idea what to say or what to do for you, but I love you and I
do want you to know you can trust and count on me for support.” Then, follow through and remember, their
grief comes at random times; nothing needs to happen in order for the pain to
just creep up out of nowhere! If you are
unprepared to follow through with physical help at the grieving ones time, then
simply say “I am praying for you” and then pray for them!
There is nothing more confusing and hurtful than those who
say they want to help and then don’t when it is needed.
For those reading that happen to be the one that is in grieving…I
will give you the best advice you will ever hear. Go to God for ALL your needs. Do not rely on humans, but when there are
humans that appear to be God sent support and help, thank Him for sending
someone that cares as He does. Although
some have exited our lives, God has brought so many more into it. Beauty for ashes.
Mother’s Day was a few days ago. My first Mother’s Day without my Max. The anticipation of the day belonged to the
dreading of what others would say opposed to the day in and of itself. I have never been fond of over marketed
holidays, so it wasn’t the day I anticipated.
It truly was the “foot inserters” I feared. After a lovely peaceful day at home, avoiding
public, my husband brought home a single white rose and said “Guess who this is
from?” Single white rose….that is my
Max. I have God to thank for the
wonderful moment to moment supporter….my hubby, Nick. He is absolutely God sent for me and I thank
God for the two beautiful boys we created….I’m a pretty blessed woman. Thank you God for your wisdom, your
compassion, your love, the blessings you bring, and the grace and mercy I have
accepted from You and now am able to share with others.
I pray that God touches your heart and opens your eyes
through the awareness of someone else’s trial, because when it is your season
for trials, you will want and need other’s to help you.
In Christ’s Love,
Deborah Samples
“Keep
hope in your heart and two thumbs in the air!”
Hope’s Not a Crime Ministry
