Is Grieving Contagious?

My grief is not contagious, but your compassion towards it can help in the healing process.

It has been 5 months since my sweet Max died in my womb at 35 weeks pregnant.  I remember reading a few blogs of mothers and fathers who shared similar stories and noticed a common theme.  This blog may sound repetitive to those who also have read the similar posts, but my hope in writing these candid thoughts and real feelings is to enlighten those who may not realize how their actions and words can make or break moments and relationships.  Before sharing my heart, I want to ask you two questions…..

          Are you someone who says “I’m there for you; I’m praying for you, I want to know how you are really doing?

          The above question is actually words that those in grief want and need to hear from family and considerate friends. 

          Second Question: 

          After saying those phrases, are you someone who takes initiative and follows through with them?

Ok, so here starts the candid thoughts.  Days after Max died, in fact, more like the first two weeks; family surrounds you for what I like to call “suicide watch”.  I can’t emphasis how those first two weeks are vital in needing help from others with the simple things….laundry, meals, cleaning, doing dishes, bill paying, phone calls, guest screening, etc….  The only thing going on in my brain…..darkness, pain, putting on a smile, thoughts of suicide, mental torment, insomnia, anxiety, nightmares….reality.  I was so blessed to have as many friends, church members, and family pull together to help during those first two weeks.  My sweet husband….3 days to do the calls, the funeral arrangements, support me, tend to our oldest, and then….go back to work. 

Now, 5 months have passed.  The family communication slows down, no returned texts, & the calls are infrequent when they do reach out for a simple, “how are you” and when you can no longer hold onto a smile and you simply break….they ask “What’s wrong with you?”  “Why do you sound down”  “You need to pull yourself together”  “Alex (my 5 yr old) doesn’t need to see you like this”  “When is the old Deborah and Nick going to come back so ya’ll can put a smile on my face.”  Only months before, these same people wanted to know how we were truly feeling.  “Your pain is our pain.”  “We are all in this together.”  Now, I ask rhetorically… did you really mean the words that came out of your mouth at one point and now have changed your mind because our pain comes at times when it is not convenient for you?  If you know me, I don’t express too much to others because I have always been one to not ask for help.  Now, this hits home.  There is a reason I don’t entrust even family to understand this new normal.  They show signs of not wanting to know.

I have had to go directly to God for understanding and compassion for this one.  Even though my heart really wants this new normal to include the family I once longed for and depended on for support…I am allowing and trusting this one to God.  No matter what I say or don’t say…it is left for others to interpret and ultimately it is up to them on how they want to interpret it.  I must admit, it saddens me to see others in my family not reaching out to us.  So, I started my conversation with God out by saying… “I don’t like this.  Why are they doing this to us?”  Then, I heard…. Perhaps they do not know how to handle the grief they feel about Max dying and do not want to expose it, so they build a wall to block and push it away; out of sight out of mind.  You are simply a reminder of the pain they do not want to address.  Now, hubby thinks differently, and yet I can see validity in both of our approaches to this understanding.  He says that they are not directly affected by this new normal, so they simply just don’t get it.  How can you be upset with other’s who don’t understand?  Well, that kind of made me upset….they told me they wanted to know!  Truth is you simply must lean on and rely on ONE….God.  ONLY HE knows YOUR pain.  Even others with similar stories all have different pain and God knows all about YOUR pain.

Have you ever noticed how simple God is….and with the same simplicity….how wise He is.  Here I was taking this so personally and like they were trying to hurt me, but it isn’t the case.  I have found peace that our family ties may forever be different and that is ok.  I now long and pray to God that He may heal the wounds, their wounds, as He has done for me.  Does this mean my heart no longer hurts, absolutely not! 

I encourage those who may be reading to reach out to the family or friend that is enduring a loss or trial.  And you are probably asking… “But I don’t know what say to them or what I can do?”  First, say that!!!  Start by saying “I have no idea what to say or what to do for you, but I love you and I do want you to know you can trust and count on me for support.”  Then, follow through and remember, their grief comes at random times; nothing needs to happen in order for the pain to just creep up out of nowhere!  If you are unprepared to follow through with physical help at the grieving ones time, then simply say “I am praying for you” and then pray for them!

There is nothing more confusing and hurtful than those who say they want to help and then don’t when it is needed. 

For those reading that happen to be the one that is in grieving…I will give you the best advice you will ever hear.  Go to God for ALL your needs.  Do not rely on humans, but when there are humans that appear to be God sent support and help, thank Him for sending someone that cares as He does.  Although some have exited our lives, God has brought so many more into it.  Beauty for ashes.

Mother’s Day was a few days ago.  My first Mother’s Day without my Max.  The anticipation of the day belonged to the dreading of what others would say opposed to the day in and of itself.  I have never been fond of over marketed holidays, so it wasn’t the day I anticipated.  It truly was the “foot inserters” I feared.  After a lovely peaceful day at home, avoiding public, my husband brought home a single white rose and said “Guess who this is from?”  Single white rose….that is my Max.  I have God to thank for the wonderful moment to moment supporter….my hubby, Nick.  He is absolutely God sent for me and I thank God for the two beautiful boys we created….I’m a pretty blessed woman.  Thank you God for your wisdom, your compassion, your love, the blessings you bring, and the grace and mercy I have accepted from You and now am able to share with others.

I pray that God touches your heart and opens your eyes through the awareness of someone else’s trial, because when it is your season for trials, you will want and need other’s to help you. 

In Christ’s Love,

 

Deborah Samples

“Keep hope in your heart and two thumbs in the air!”

Hope’s Not a Crime Ministry

www.hopesnotacrime.org